Thursday, June 4, 2015
Yesterday I wished I was dead.and the day before. Today I wish I were dead. It would make a few sad but sadness doesn't last. Here today forgotten about tomorrow. I don't have many real friends. And half the time we'll most of the time my daughter hates me. She would be better off without me screwing up her life. My dad would be saddest of all I guess then again he might be glad he doesn't have to pay anymore money for my dumbass mistakes. My mom well she would continue to focus on my sisters who she definitely loves more than me. So I would be outta her way yet again this time permanently. I am tired of being a failure being strong for others used by others. I want something to change. If I was dead it would all be changed. Someone would say turn to God. Well I have but things stay the same. He knows what I need change and he allows me to get right there and then the hammer drops and it's all squashed. And I have to find the strength to go on from the beginning. It gets harder every time. And now I honestly don't think I can keep up at this pace. I am wore down to the bone. I am tired of the fake smile I wear holding back tears making excuses for not wanting to go or be anywhere. No one understands no one cares. I cry out no one hears it falls on deaf ears. Everyone is busy moving on and here I am stuck, stuck in the same place for years. Why is that? I don't have a good answer only pain. I look at my life and it's sucks it's full of mistakes and nothing postive. Every thing has a big but in it. I went to college but...I got married but. ..I try but....I thought I did a good thing but...I tried to make up for this and that but. The buts are too much the consume me especially when I get it thrown up in my face. It's always in My face ...didn't do right by not getting a degree didn't marry right person I am fat I am not a good parent I failed at all of life's roads there isn't anything that is worth of living. Why live when. I know it won't get better. Why go on when it's just gonna be worse? Wish I was a drinker then I could shut the voices off for a while. Just want things to go in my favor. One year would be nice one year of post over with a few negatives! I just rather be dead. Like I said I won't be missed for long by any. Well until someone needs something then I might get a passing thought.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
whole 30
i haven't blogged in a while but i really wanted to blog this adventure so that i could reflect on it later.
it all began while eating lunch with my friend Marie. she was on this whole 30 kick and told me i should do it to. this was her second time doing whole 30 and liked her results the last time. at first said no and then i when zoey said she would do it. i thought twice about it. so i came home and researched it. the research i found was amazing. it said this change could potential help my iron increase and all skin problems subside. and most lost weight in the thirty days. all win win situations. i ultimately just want to increase my iron but the weight loss would be great. so i jumped on. and decided to take the wild ride. it took me a few more days to decide to say yes to and no to....
well another week to commit to this way of life. so last sunday i went shopping at the chattanooga market, sams and whole foods.
day one. i ate well and i wasn't even hungry. i wanted more stuff i couldn't have... you like candy and bread and CHEESE.
day two. more of the same but i wasn't hungry and didn't need a nap when i got home from school. even with it being the first day all twenty children invaded room 166.
day three. a little harder as i really wanted candy and CHEEZITS. its no secret i love cheese. hey did i mention i love cheese. my only issue is drinking the water. i am not a drinker so drinking is hard for me.
day four. it was a thursday and we were going to the creative discovery museum. it was going to have to be a meal out. what ever would we eat. after some thinking we went to Fresh 2 Order. i had a club salad with no cheese or bread. i was tasty. zoey even kept with program and had a grilled chicken sandwich without the bread and had green apples over chips. i had an unsweetened green tea. that was a nice treat. when we got to the muesum i wasn't tired or eager to leave. i even let kenzie drag me around and show me things. all would say that is a major accomplishment for me.
day five. no problems until i was invited to go eat. i was thinking no then i said surely i can find something besides the cheese dip on the menu. i did i had mexican style tacos with out the shell. so steak, cilantro, and onions and verde salsa. it was yummy. i was tempted to cheat. i was tempted by patterson to have one lick of cheese and a margarita. i wanted to drink especially after the day, the week i had at work. did drink about 40 oz of water if not more sitting there talking. i even wanted to stop and get a krystal burger but i didn't ... the thought of starting over weighs to heavy on my mind. i also had to be true to the commitment zoey was making too.
day six. i thought the weekend would be the worst just because i am not in any kind of routine. but it wasn't. i had a good brunch as i slept in. and ate a yummy dinner. i only had fruit once. which was great for me.
today is day seven and i am so glad to see some results. i don't feel sleepy all the time. i don't feel like my stomach is fat. it even looked like my face is slimming down. i also realized that i am a stress eater, as i wasnt able to eat out of stress. i found out that coconut flour and coconut milk in my eggs is yummy. i can make up for lack of the bad stuff in seasoning. i found i can prepare my meals at home and save money. i found that zoey actually likes most of the things i have cooked. eating was one thing i felt i had control over in my life this week.
I can't wait to see what the next week brings. i said i was going to wake up to go to zumba this week. i hope i can..
it all began while eating lunch with my friend Marie. she was on this whole 30 kick and told me i should do it to. this was her second time doing whole 30 and liked her results the last time. at first said no and then i when zoey said she would do it. i thought twice about it. so i came home and researched it. the research i found was amazing. it said this change could potential help my iron increase and all skin problems subside. and most lost weight in the thirty days. all win win situations. i ultimately just want to increase my iron but the weight loss would be great. so i jumped on. and decided to take the wild ride. it took me a few more days to decide to say yes to and no to....
day one. i ate well and i wasn't even hungry. i wanted more stuff i couldn't have... you like candy and bread and CHEESE.
day two. more of the same but i wasn't hungry and didn't need a nap when i got home from school. even with it being the first day all twenty children invaded room 166.
day three. a little harder as i really wanted candy and CHEEZITS. its no secret i love cheese. hey did i mention i love cheese. my only issue is drinking the water. i am not a drinker so drinking is hard for me.
day four. it was a thursday and we were going to the creative discovery museum. it was going to have to be a meal out. what ever would we eat. after some thinking we went to Fresh 2 Order. i had a club salad with no cheese or bread. i was tasty. zoey even kept with program and had a grilled chicken sandwich without the bread and had green apples over chips. i had an unsweetened green tea. that was a nice treat. when we got to the muesum i wasn't tired or eager to leave. i even let kenzie drag me around and show me things. all would say that is a major accomplishment for me.
day five. no problems until i was invited to go eat. i was thinking no then i said surely i can find something besides the cheese dip on the menu. i did i had mexican style tacos with out the shell. so steak, cilantro, and onions and verde salsa. it was yummy. i was tempted to cheat. i was tempted by patterson to have one lick of cheese and a margarita. i wanted to drink especially after the day, the week i had at work. did drink about 40 oz of water if not more sitting there talking. i even wanted to stop and get a krystal burger but i didn't ... the thought of starting over weighs to heavy on my mind. i also had to be true to the commitment zoey was making too.
day six. i thought the weekend would be the worst just because i am not in any kind of routine. but it wasn't. i had a good brunch as i slept in. and ate a yummy dinner. i only had fruit once. which was great for me.
today is day seven and i am so glad to see some results. i don't feel sleepy all the time. i don't feel like my stomach is fat. it even looked like my face is slimming down. i also realized that i am a stress eater, as i wasnt able to eat out of stress. i found out that coconut flour and coconut milk in my eggs is yummy. i can make up for lack of the bad stuff in seasoning. i found i can prepare my meals at home and save money. i found that zoey actually likes most of the things i have cooked. eating was one thing i felt i had control over in my life this week.
I can't wait to see what the next week brings. i said i was going to wake up to go to zumba this week. i hope i can..
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
The Road Less Travelled
You know I have heard that express a lot in my life... the road less travelled. And honestly I feel I have stayed off that road as it seemed a little dusty and unpaved. But at the ripe old age of 40 I guess I am feeling I am on the road less travelled. Or atleast on a journey of my own.
I never thought I would turn forty and make life changing decisions. I had dreamed about them, talked about them and even convinced myself that I was gonna do them one day. And then something clicked I started putting action to the words. And that brings me to the road less travelled... at my age anyway.
I am going to go back to school to get a degree in Early Childhood Education. OMWord. Seriously do i think I got it in me to do this? Do i think I can? One thing is for sure I can't fail. So weather or not I feel I do I can't let myself think I can't.
I can't get hung up on the fact I should have could have would haves or I will surely fail. I can't let the pressures of life get to me or I will surely fail. I can't continue to stress out about Zoey and her school or I will surely fail. I was told today I have come to far to stop now. God has blessed me, not necessarily the way I thought I should have been blessed but I HAVE BEEN BLESSED.
And the road blocks were set before me, some were bumps in the road but some were complete detours to different roads, which have lead me to the road less travelled.
I am feeling very overwhelmed. I keep wondering how I am gonna do it. I keep telling myself that I will be fine as long as I do three things: 1) keep God first in all things. 2) learn it is ok to say NO. and 3) know this is part of a plan to prosper me in more than just finances.
I can do this.
Here's to the road less travelled.
I never thought I would turn forty and make life changing decisions. I had dreamed about them, talked about them and even convinced myself that I was gonna do them one day. And then something clicked I started putting action to the words. And that brings me to the road less travelled... at my age anyway.
I am going to go back to school to get a degree in Early Childhood Education. OMWord. Seriously do i think I got it in me to do this? Do i think I can? One thing is for sure I can't fail. So weather or not I feel I do I can't let myself think I can't.
I can't get hung up on the fact I should have could have would haves or I will surely fail. I can't let the pressures of life get to me or I will surely fail. I can't continue to stress out about Zoey and her school or I will surely fail. I was told today I have come to far to stop now. God has blessed me, not necessarily the way I thought I should have been blessed but I HAVE BEEN BLESSED.
And the road blocks were set before me, some were bumps in the road but some were complete detours to different roads, which have lead me to the road less travelled.
I am feeling very overwhelmed. I keep wondering how I am gonna do it. I keep telling myself that I will be fine as long as I do three things: 1) keep God first in all things. 2) learn it is ok to say NO. and 3) know this is part of a plan to prosper me in more than just finances.
I can do this.
Here's to the road less travelled.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Weddings....ughhhh
i have not blogged in a long time.
No real reason other than I have been busy and not wanted too. i hardly get on the computer. i spend most of my time on the iPad. It's not easy to blog on iPad.
But i have to get it off my chest... i hate weddings and baby showers. And i seem to be surrounded by them this year. If its not my friends getting married its others on my facebook page posting pic. i am happy for them. i know they deserve to be happy but dang i feel it is a slap in the face.
yea i know i have said ... i don't want to get married and i still stand by that. but i would like to have the option to change my mind.
i feel that my desires to have someone to love and to love is not important enough for God to fulfill. Why? i don't know. i really wish i did, because not being in a relationship for almost eight years really sucks. Alot. A Whole.
i feel i am undesirable. I am unlovable. If God didn't want us to have a earthly love He would not created it. Am i too fat? Am i too ugly? isn't there someone for everyone?
If i hear one more time that he's out there. just give it time. i am gonna scream.
because everyone around me has someone, married or dating. it sucks.
i have mastered being content by myself. and i guess i will have to master it for the rest of my life.
i have tried being optimistic and thinking that he is out there. ihave. but i am tired,
tired of pretending i am happy for those who have found the right one, especially when i have been left out.
i feel bad zoey will never know what a real relationship looks like. she just knows what i had.
in 29 days i will be forty. and not much has changed this year. even after i declared this was my year for change. i haven't done much change... well i got fat.
should i i try to be optimistic? or except my fate? the lonely cat woman.
i really don't know what to do?
but i know what hasn't changed i still hate weddings and baby showers.
No real reason other than I have been busy and not wanted too. i hardly get on the computer. i spend most of my time on the iPad. It's not easy to blog on iPad.
But i have to get it off my chest... i hate weddings and baby showers. And i seem to be surrounded by them this year. If its not my friends getting married its others on my facebook page posting pic. i am happy for them. i know they deserve to be happy but dang i feel it is a slap in the face.
yea i know i have said ... i don't want to get married and i still stand by that. but i would like to have the option to change my mind.
i feel that my desires to have someone to love and to love is not important enough for God to fulfill. Why? i don't know. i really wish i did, because not being in a relationship for almost eight years really sucks. Alot. A Whole.
i feel i am undesirable. I am unlovable. If God didn't want us to have a earthly love He would not created it. Am i too fat? Am i too ugly? isn't there someone for everyone?
If i hear one more time that he's out there. just give it time. i am gonna scream.
because everyone around me has someone, married or dating. it sucks.
i have mastered being content by myself. and i guess i will have to master it for the rest of my life.
i have tried being optimistic and thinking that he is out there. ihave. but i am tired,
tired of pretending i am happy for those who have found the right one, especially when i have been left out.
i feel bad zoey will never know what a real relationship looks like. she just knows what i had.
in 29 days i will be forty. and not much has changed this year. even after i declared this was my year for change. i haven't done much change... well i got fat.
should i i try to be optimistic? or except my fate? the lonely cat woman.
i really don't know what to do?
but i know what hasn't changed i still hate weddings and baby showers.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Wonders?
It's been almost six years since Jeff walked out of my life.
Friends of mine have been divorced for shorter periods of time.
and..... they are in relationships.
Here is what I wonder...WHY not me? Why am I still without a special person in my life?
I know at first I set my priorities on Zoey, which in no way am I sorry I did. She needed me to be there for her and I was. Well now she is becoming more independent and I think it would be nice to have a date or two. And honestly, I needed time to heal from the hurt of my divorce.
I am in a box. I have high standards. I am guarded. I am afraid.
I know those are hinderances. How does one get past those things to even get a date?
I know what I want ....
A Godly man, not just someone who calls themselves a Christian.
One with no kids younger than mine,
Perfect age 42-47. And maybe older.
A career, not just a job.
His own home.
Someone who gets me and my sense of humor.
Someone funny.
Someone witty.
Someone who likes Mexican food as much as I like it.
and the list can go on and on....
So where is he? Why haven't I meet him yet? and where do I meet him?
I just would like to stop wondering if I am going to be alone the rest of my life. or if this is my life, a life of alone ness.
Friends of mine have been divorced for shorter periods of time.
and..... they are in relationships.
Here is what I wonder...WHY not me? Why am I still without a special person in my life?
I know at first I set my priorities on Zoey, which in no way am I sorry I did. She needed me to be there for her and I was. Well now she is becoming more independent and I think it would be nice to have a date or two. And honestly, I needed time to heal from the hurt of my divorce.
I am in a box. I have high standards. I am guarded. I am afraid.
I know those are hinderances. How does one get past those things to even get a date?
I know what I want ....
A Godly man, not just someone who calls themselves a Christian.
One with no kids younger than mine,
Perfect age 42-47. And maybe older.
A career, not just a job.
His own home.
Someone who gets me and my sense of humor.
Someone funny.
Someone witty.
Someone who likes Mexican food as much as I like it.
and the list can go on and on....
So where is he? Why haven't I meet him yet? and where do I meet him?
I just would like to stop wondering if I am going to be alone the rest of my life. or if this is my life, a life of alone ness.
Friday, December 31, 2010
New Year's Resolutions?
why do we make these things every year?
only to be disappointed at the end of the year!
that is, if we even can remember what we said we are going to do.
Exactly WHAT is a RESOLUTION? Do most of us even have a clue what the true meaning of the word is?
res·o·lu·tion [ rèzzə loosh'n ]
process of resolving:
the process of resolving something such as a problem or dispute
decision:
a firm decision to do something
So we all are just making a decision to be firm about something on January first only to be a limp noodle by the end of the year. Sounds like ... fun? but .......
you know we have all said....
lose 50 pds (less or more)
be a better person
read the Bible more
stop a habit
eat healthier
eat out less
get more rest
read that book you bought ten years ago
pay this or that bill
save more money
etc. etc. etc!
So I am going to take the the time now and post my resolutions....My firm decision to stop something.... only these I will still be firmly planted in by the end of the year (prayfully).
...pray daily and seek Him daily
... rest more
...clean less
...enjoy life
...start something new
...scrapbook monthly
really on those I think I am good ....
so here are the ones I won't beat my self up if I don't accomplish before 12*31*12
If no, I challenge you to make that your resolution!
To meet HIM!
To know HIM!
and accept HIM into your heart!
It resolution that you will only have to make once!
only to be disappointed at the end of the year!
that is, if we even can remember what we said we are going to do.
Exactly WHAT is a RESOLUTION? Do most of us even have a clue what the true meaning of the word is?
res·o·lu·tion [ rèzzə loosh'n ]
process of resolving:
the process of resolving something such as a problem or dispute
decision:
a firm decision to do something
So we all are just making a decision to be firm about something on January first only to be a limp noodle by the end of the year. Sounds like ... fun? but .......
you know we have all said....
lose 50 pds (less or more)
be a better person
read the Bible more
stop a habit
eat healthier
eat out less
get more rest
read that book you bought ten years ago
pay this or that bill
save more money
etc. etc. etc!
So I am going to take the the time now and post my resolutions....My firm decision to stop something.... only these I will still be firmly planted in by the end of the year (prayfully).
...pray daily and seek Him daily
... rest more
...clean less
...enjoy life
...start something new
...scrapbook monthly
really on those I think I am good ....
so here are the ones I won't beat my self up if I don't accomplish before 12*31*12
- lose weight 52 pounds. more is better
- be a nicer kinder person. some say i should do this
- read the Bible cover to cover
- stop biting my nails
- save more money. or should i just say spend less money
- plan at least one party and charge the person for my plans
- keep stuff listed on my etsy account.
- find a way to go back to college.
- use my powers for good and not evil
- stop being so lazy
- take time to be with zoey once a month. Mommy Daughter time
- travel to Disney or Chicago
Happy New Year! 2011!
Are you Ready for the Coming of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? If no, I challenge you to make that your resolution!
To meet HIM!
To know HIM!
and accept HIM into your heart!
It resolution that you will only have to make once!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
My Bucket List
My Bucket List
- take a mission trip with Jan
- take Zoey to Gatlinburg and stay in a cabin and go shopping
- go back to school
- payoff all debt
- buy my dad something he's not expecting
- go to Africa
- go to Myrtle Beach
- go to NYC and see all the sights
- go to all the seven wonders of the world
- find true love or let it find me
- lose 150 pounds
- go on vacation with my sisters and mom (its never been done)
- go on a cruise
- learn to appreciate quietness
- read the Bible front to cover in a year
- do a genealogy study for both sides of my family
- visit all 50 states and capitals
- be a season pass holder to Disney World
- visit all the Disney locations
- go on a Dives and Diner tour
- move somewhere new
- be a teacher on the mission field
- start my own children's party planning business
- catch up on all my scrapbook pages
- meet Will Smith
- own a house
- go to an NFL game
- Go on Sound of Music tour
- Go to Vermont to the vanTrapps lodge
- be able to pay it forward
- hike down into Grand Canyon
- take Zoey to Chicago
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