Yesterday I wished I was dead.and the day before.  Today I wish I were dead. It would make a few sad but sadness doesn't last. Here today forgotten about tomorrow.  I don't have many real friends. And half the time we'll most of the time my daughter hates me. She would be better off without me screwing up her life. My dad would be saddest of all I guess then again he might be glad he doesn't have to pay  anymore money for my dumbass mistakes.  My mom well she would continue to focus on my sisters who she definitely loves more than me. So I would be outta her way yet again this time permanently.  I am tired of being a failure being strong for others used by others. I want something to change.  If I was dead it would all be changed.  Someone would say turn to God. Well I have but things stay the same. He knows what I need  change and he allows me to get right there and then the hammer drops and it's all squashed. And I have to find the strength to go on from the beginning.  It gets harder every time.  And now I honestly don't think I can keep up at this pace. I am wore down to the bone.  I am tired of the fake smile I wear holding back tears making excuses for not wanting to go or be anywhere. No one understands no one cares. I cry out no one hears it falls on deaf ears. Everyone is busy moving on and here I am stuck, stuck in the same place for years. Why is that? I don't have a good answer only pain. I look at my life and it's sucks it's full of mistakes and nothing postive. Every thing has a big but in it. I went to college but...I got married but. ..I try but....I thought I did a good thing but...I tried to make up for this and that but. The buts are too much the consume me especially when I get it thrown up in my face. It's always in My face ...didn't do right by not getting a degree didn't marry right person I am fat I am not a good parent I failed at all of life's roads there isn't anything that is worth of living. Why live when. I know it won't get better. Why go on when it's just gonna be worse? Wish I was a drinker then I could shut the voices off for a while. Just want things to go in my favor. One year would be nice one year of post over with a few negatives!  I just rather be dead. Like I said I won't be missed for long by any. Well until someone needs something then I might get a passing thought.

whole 30

i haven't blogged in a while but i really wanted to blog this adventure so that i could reflect on it later.

it all began while eating lunch with my friend Marie. she was on this whole 30 kick and told me i should do it to. this was her second time doing whole 30 and liked her results the last time. at first said no and then i when zoey said she would do it. i thought twice about it. so i came home and researched it. the research i found was amazing. it said this change could potential help my iron increase and all skin problems subside. and most lost weight in the thirty days. all win win situations. i ultimately just want to increase my iron but the weight loss would be great. so i jumped on. and decided to take the wild ride. it took me a few more days to decide to say yes to and no to....

well another week to commit to this way of life. so last sunday i went shopping at the chattanooga market, sams and whole foods.
day one. i ate well and i wasn't even hungry. i wanted more stuff i couldn't have... you like candy and bread and CHEESE.
day two. more of the same but i wasn't hungry and didn't need a nap when i got home from school. even with it being the first day all twenty children invaded room 166.
day three. a little harder as i really wanted candy and CHEEZITS. its no secret i love cheese. hey did i mention i love cheese.  my only issue is drinking the water. i am not a drinker so drinking is hard for me.
day four. it was a thursday and we were going to the creative discovery museum. it was going to have to be a meal out. what ever would we eat. after some thinking we went to Fresh 2 Order. i had a club salad with no cheese or bread. i was tasty. zoey even kept with program and had a grilled chicken sandwich without the bread and had green apples over chips. i had an unsweetened green tea. that was a nice treat. when we got to the muesum i wasn't tired or eager to leave. i even let kenzie drag me around and show me things. all would say that is a major accomplishment for me.
day five. no problems until i was invited to go eat. i was thinking no then i said surely i can find something besides the cheese dip on the menu. i did i had mexican style tacos with out the shell. so steak, cilantro, and onions and verde salsa. it was yummy. i was tempted to cheat. i was tempted by patterson to have one lick of cheese and a margarita. i wanted to drink especially after the day, the week i had at work. did drink about 40 oz of water if not more sitting there talking. i even wanted to stop and get a krystal burger but i didn't ... the thought of starting over weighs to heavy on my mind.  i also had to be true to the commitment zoey was making too.
day six. i thought the weekend would be the worst just because i am not in any kind of routine. but it wasn't. i had a good brunch as i slept in. and ate a yummy dinner. i only had fruit once. which was great for me.
today is day seven and i am so glad to see some results. i don't feel sleepy all the time. i don't feel like my stomach is fat. it even looked like my face is slimming down. i also realized that i am a stress eater, as i wasnt able to eat out of stress. i found out that coconut flour and coconut milk in my eggs is yummy. i can make up for lack of the bad stuff in seasoning. i found i can prepare my meals at home and save money. i found that zoey actually likes most of the things i have cooked. eating was one thing i felt i had control over in my life this week.

I can't wait to see what the next week brings. i said i was going to wake up to go to zumba this week. i hope i can..

The Road Less Travelled

You know I have heard that express a lot in my life... the road less travelled. And honestly I feel I have stayed off that road as it seemed a little dusty and unpaved. But at the ripe old age of 40 I guess I am feeling I am on the road less travelled. Or atleast on a journey of my own.
I never thought I would turn forty and make life changing decisions. I had dreamed about them, talked about them and even convinced myself that I was gonna do them one day. And then something clicked I started putting action to the words. And that brings me to the road less travelled... at my age anyway.
I am going to go back to school to get a degree in Early Childhood Education. OMWord. Seriously do i think I got it in me to do this? Do i think I can? One thing is for sure I can't fail. So weather or not I feel I do I can't let myself think I can't.
I can't get hung up on the fact I should have could have would haves or I will surely fail. I can't let the pressures of life get to me or I will surely fail. I can't continue to stress out about Zoey and her school or I will surely fail. I was told today I have come to far to stop now. God has blessed me, not necessarily the way I thought I should have been blessed but I HAVE BEEN BLESSED.
And the road blocks were set before me, some were bumps in the road but some were complete detours to different roads, which have lead me to the road less travelled.
I am feeling very overwhelmed. I keep wondering how I am gonna do it. I keep telling myself that I will be fine as long as I do three things: 1) keep God first in all things. 2) learn it is ok to say NO. and 3) know this is part of a plan to prosper me in more than just finances.
I can do this.
Here's to the road less travelled.

Weddings....ughhhh

i have not blogged in a long time.
No real reason other than I have been busy and not wanted too. i hardly get on the computer. i spend most of my time on the iPad. It's not easy to blog on iPad.

But i have to get it off my chest... i hate weddings and baby showers. And i seem to be surrounded by them this year. If its not my friends getting married its others on my facebook page posting pic. i am happy for them. i know they deserve to be happy but dang i feel it is a slap in the face.
 yea i know i have said ... i don't want to get married and i still stand by that. but i would like to have the option to change my mind.

i feel that my desires to have someone to love and to love is not important enough for God to fulfill. Why? i don't know. i really wish i did, because not being in a  relationship for almost eight years really sucks.  Alot. A Whole.

i feel i am undesirable. I am unlovable. If God didn't want us to have a earthly love He would not created it. Am i too fat? Am i too ugly? isn't there someone for everyone?

If i hear one more time that he's out there. just give it time. i am gonna scream.
because everyone around me has someone, married or dating. it sucks.

i have mastered being content by myself. and i guess i will have to master it for the rest of my life.
i have tried being optimistic and thinking that he is out there. ihave.  but i am tired,
tired of pretending i am happy for those who have found the right one, especially when i have been left out.

i feel bad zoey will never know what a real relationship looks like. she just knows what i had.
in 29 days i will be forty. and not much has changed this year. even after i declared this was my year for change. i haven't done much change... well i got fat.

should i i try to be optimistic? or except my fate? the lonely cat woman.
i really don't know what to do?
but i know what hasn't changed i still hate weddings and baby showers.

Wonders?

It's  been almost six years since Jeff walked out of my life. 
Friends of mine have been divorced for shorter periods of time.
and..... they are in relationships.

Here is what I wonder...WHY not me? Why am I still without a special person in my life?
I know at first I set my priorities on Zoey, which in no way am I sorry I did. She needed me to be there for her and I was. Well now she is becoming more independent and I think it would be nice to have a date or two. And honestly, I needed time to heal from the hurt of my divorce.

I am in a box. I have high standards. I am guarded. I am afraid.
I know those are hinderances. How does one get past those things to even get a date?

I know what I want ....
A Godly man, not just someone who calls themselves a Christian.
One with no kids younger than mine,
Perfect age 42-47. And maybe older.
A career, not just a job.
His own home.
Someone who gets me and my sense of humor.
Someone funny.
Someone witty.
Someone who likes Mexican food as much as I like it.
and the list can go on and on....

So where is he? Why haven't I meet him yet? and where do I meet him?
I just would like to stop wondering if I am going to be alone the rest of my life. or if this is my life, a life of alone ness.

New Year's Resolutions?

why do we make these things every year?
             only to be disappointed at the end of the year!
                         that is, if we even can remember what we said we are going to do.

Exactly WHAT is a RESOLUTION?  Do most of us even have a clue what the true meaning of the word is? 
          
                                         res·o·lu·tion [ rèzzə loosh'n ]

process of resolving:
     the process of resolving something such as a problem or dispute
decision:
      a firm decision to do something

So we all are just making a decision to be firm about something on January first only to be a limp noodle by the end of the year.  Sounds like ... fun? but .......

you know we have all said....
   lose 50 pds (less or more)                        
               be a better person
read the Bible more
                stop a habit
eat healthier
             eat out less
get more rest
         read that book you bought ten years ago
pay this or that bill
            save more money
etc. etc. etc!

So I am going to take the the time now and post my resolutions....My firm decision to stop something.... only these I will still be firmly planted in by the end of the year (prayfully).

...pray daily and seek Him daily

... rest more
...clean less
...enjoy life
...start something new
...scrapbook monthly

really on those I think I am good ....

so here are the ones I won't beat my self up if I don't accomplish before 12*31*12

• lose weight 52 pounds.  more is better
• be a nicer kinder person. some say i should do this
• read the Bible cover to cover
• stop biting my nails
• save more money. or should i just say spend less money
• plan at least one party and charge the person for my plans
• keep stuff listed on my etsy account.
• find a way to go back to college.
• use my powers for good and not evil
• stop being so lazy
• take time to be with zoey once a month. Mommy Daughter time
• travel to Disney or Chicago

Ok well I guess that is about it...I will let you now which ones of these were a success!

Happy New Year! 2011!

Are you Ready for the Coming of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?            
                      If no, I challenge you to make that your resolution!
To meet HIM!
                       To know HIM!
                                                  and accept HIM into your heart!

It resolution that you will only have to make once!

My Bucket List

My Bucket List

• take a mission trip with Jan
• take Zoey to Gatlinburg and stay in a cabin and go shopping
• go back to school
• payoff all debt
• buy my dad something he's not expecting
• go to Africa
• go to Myrtle Beach
• go to NYC and see all the sights
• go to all the seven wonders of the world
• find true love or let it find me
• lose 150 pounds
• go on vacation with my sisters and mom (its never been done)
• go on a cruise
• learn to appreciate quietness
• read the Bible front to cover in a year
• do a genealogy study for both sides of my family
• visit all 50 states and capitals
• be a season pass holder to Disney World
• visit all the Disney locations
• go on a Dives and Diner tour
• move somewhere new
• be a teacher on the mission field
• start my own children's party planning business
• catch up on all my scrapbook pages
• meet Will Smith
• own a house
• go to an NFL game
• Go on Sound of Music tour
• Go to Vermont to the vanTrapps lodge
• be able to pay it forward
• hike down into Grand Canyon
• take Zoey to Chicago

I am sure the list will grow.

Time... is Precious

Well... school has started and time is passing quickly.  Zoey is in the 7th grade. Where did the time go? I would like to say I remember all the days of Zoey but I can't. 
I remember the day God gave her to me, bringing her home, her firsts of smiling, eating, walking, etc.

I remember... I treasure lots of memories--soccer games, homeschooling, gymnastics, riding a bike without training wheels, her 2nd grade year, awards programs, her first play, every birthday party ...etc.

I am still waiting for a few memories. But that would be rushing time.

I waste a lot of time... whether it be doing nothing or something that really is nothing.

Today I was reminded a of a few things about time.

NEVER take it for granted. We never know the day nor the hour our TIME will come.

Two boys at my school just lost a lot of time.  Their father and grandfather were murdered.  Mother survived but she introduced this man into her family. And he took some TIME from them all.

They just lost their father... time lost... the times they will get awards, have a first anything, time they will accomplish a milestone, time of listening, laughing, and loving ... gone...

They will never have the chance to hear his manly advice or hear dad yelling the loudest at the basketball game.  They won't have time to hear the daddy say great job, you're the best, or even I love you.

In this time I will hold Zoey a little more closer. I will tell her I love her daily. Listen more and laugh more.

Time you see is so precious.  So worthy to remember who and what is important in our lives.

Don't let the sun go down on an argument, because you never know when time will run out on you. And we never know when the time is for our loved ones is near. Their father never knew that a birthday party would turn so violent so quickly.

May God bless those boys, their mother and families. Give them peace and comfort for the lonely days ahead.  I can't even imagine losing a parent, a child or even a close friend.

Waterslides ... Life's Way of Telling You... You're Old!

OK so I went to the water park on Tuesday. First time in... ummmmm... well....that isn't important. I went over the map a few days before and said yep I want to ride this and that and this and that.  Even said I would ride the Cliff something another.

Well we got up bright and early and started our trudge to the Beach.  I was still psyched and so was Zoey. Any time she can be in the water NOT for practice she is all about it.  We got there found a check in spot for everyone and ....off we went. We all head out to check the place out. We elected to ride The Twilight. A water version of Space Mountain. :)  Well because I was scared and not tell a soul. I thought riding in the dark would be great.  So picture this... two person tube. one person the size of Mount Rushmore the other the size of a 8 yr old.  Mount Rushmore is in the front and the adult size 8 yr old in the back.  and we are off... down this dark tube... not to bad at first and then a dip and swirl. My eyes are open. I see the end I see the drop. I scream and then we are dumped in the get out pool... stuck in the tube. I have a wedgie. My whole butt is hanging out. I have to get that out before I can get out of the pool. Zoey is cracking up! Mission accomplished. And Mani survived too. 
Next slide ... it is an easy one. You will love it they say. Well they neglected to tell me how high up I had to go. If you know me ... you know I am afraid of heights!  But up i climb ... the whole way trying not to hyperventilate!  I am up. It is my turn I sit down and think. Lord please let this be fun, please don't let me go off the side, please Lord. Amen. The guy says take off. I said do I have too? He says ... "well yea", as to say you knew what you were doing before you got up here!  OK I lay back... and off I go. Awww this is easy I say. Even wave at the Zoey up top. Then in a flash there was a rougher turn and up the side I went and  down and around. More of the same of this again and again.  Lord... HELP!  The end  is in sight.  The little tube you stop in seems like it was so far away. But I made it and with no wedgies!
The rest of the day was spent in the lazy river. LOVE IT.  and in the pool ... LOVE IT.  I left the other water slides to the girls. 

Nine hours later...wrinkled toes and fingers . We leave to have had the best time ever with the Schmitz Family!

Perspective

it is amazing how perspective changes in an twinkling of an eye.
july 3 was my moment. i woke with a headache that was like nothing
i had ever had before. knowing that i had gone to the dr only days
before and had high bp made me even more worried. i took myself to
the er. there i was told i was dying repeatedly. it was scary. a few friends
rallied by my bed. test were done. zoey came to see me. was i going to
to be taken from her? i cried. i was scared. as death was spoken over me
life was being spoken to me. i was transported to a level one hospital.
more tests. i was alone so the only one there to speak life over me was
me. i had to advocate for my life. i had to speak to the mountain myself.
so i was praying and talking alot. test came back their results were different
from the ones preformed earlier. i know what they believed but i also know
my God and He is a healer. whether quickly or in time, He has the power.
after a week of healing i was able to see things in a different light. things aren't
important. updating FB, emails, TV, etc aren't important. relationships are great,
but the best one is the one with the Father. laying there in that bed unable to
move let me see that i needed Him and that if my relationship with him isn't
where i need it to be then i am spending that much more time getting it right
time i could be spending with Him on the matter at hand. perspective...changed
the time is now. i have heard it, seen it, read it but the saying didn't make sense
until now. thank you Lord for opening my eyes.

Deaths.

What comes to mind when you think death?
so many....


naturally you think of a physical death. a person goes on to the afterlife. no longer here on this earth. you usually have a funeral for the living and a graveside service. 
            even though they are phyiscally gone you have the memories of them to comfort you.


i have been blessed not to experience much phyiscal death. a great grandfather, a great grandmother, and grandfather, and grandmother. even though i never wanted them to die there death wasn't to hard for me to accept. 
......but when the news of a fellow classmate, someone i graduated with, dies it hit me in a different way, a sadden way, a disbelief way.  how can this be?
                  how can some one 37 years old die, in his sleep no less, he wasn't old, i am not old. in my eyes he was to young to go, he leaves behind a wife, a son, his parents, a host of friends,                                                                 so much more to see and do on this earth.
a comedian, he was, he had so many more jokes to tell, so many more to make laugh....
it seems unfair. it seems so senseless for God to take a life that was so young.                                  but that is part of His plan. as i type this i hear my dad say "life's not fair!" so now to me life seems a little more precious, a little more urgent to live for God. 

there are other deaths ... death of friendships, death of relationships, death of ____________.(you fill in the blank)
              those deaths leave us empty, sad even more so than a physical death. because you can see the person you know they are out there and it is or could possibly be fixable.                              ..... but some deaths come in order for us to die daily. it all comes back the the Father. it has to.

which leads me to the next death.             a fleshly death.  
                              this death is a daily death.
 dying to the flesh daily.
i tell you from my experience it is so hard to do. for me it is needs to be every minute, shoot every second!                        i to die to self is to live for Him. 
 I affirm, brethren, by boasting in you which I have in Christ Jesus our Lord. I die daily. 
                                                                                                I Corinthinans15:31.
..... i know the world offers so much more immediately but i have to say the more i want is in Him, in his Kingdom. this death is a forever death. forever we have to die daily to live for him. it's hard i know but is so worth it.

today i choose to die daily.
now it won't be easy and i probably wont be able to get it right the first hour but thank  goodness we have a merciful Father. a gracious father is quick to forgive and move us on down the path.
 so i choose to die daily.

June 22, 2007

June 22, 2007 ... Three years ago....the worst day of my life... the best day of my life...

The day Jeff walked out the door.  It was a day I had prayed that would never come. But a day that I prayed for direction for. I prayed for my eyes to open to whether or not I was to stay in my marriage. The Lord is a gentleman and He tried to show me in a gentle way, but the stubborn me said... "nah that is just me or nah it would be more to it if that was it".  SO He showed me BIG, but in the process He showed me how BIG He was. 

Just as this was the worst day it soon became the best day. I was a stay at home mom, working only two days at a parents day out program. Within two weeks I had a full time job that allowed me to be there for Zoey. I thought I was alone but I had a church family and friends that rallyed in my corner and stayed with me and held me together.  I thought I was weak. But there again I was made strong. I saw the power of Jesus in my life. I thought I was drowning but I was being carried thru the water by Him.  It was amazing to see God work in my life. He worked in a mighty way. Leading to the best day of my life. Thru this journey I was able to depend on Him more, to trust more, and still love.

A friend gave me a word that she had been given just for me. This was weeks before Jeff left. She told me I was going to be the anchor in my family.  I had no clue what that meant. She also said I was to show Jeff love.  Well I thought to myself that it meant that I was to love Jeff and that I was going to hold the family together. WRONG!!! The anchor was a symbol ... of how strong and hard I was going to be holding to His hand in the storm and loving Jeff meant now matter what I was to show him love so that Zoey would not learn to hate him only despise his choices. Nightly I explained to Zoey about choices be them good or bad .... doesn't change how you love the person or the person loves us. My words were "Your dad is making bad choices but he still loves you". 

And years later... he is trying to make amends to her... I see how that word is still coming forth.

So three years later... the worst day is still the best day of my life. Thanks to a word and the Word!

me likes...

Me likes:

• frogs...fully rely on God
• sunflowers ...because they are so bright
• sound of giggling...because it makes me smile too
• a cozy couch with a blanket...because its comforting
• mexican food...because ummmm it taste good.
• scrapbooking... because it is a way to preserve the past
• a good comedy movie...because i like to laugh
• watching Zoey excel ... because it lets me know i have not failed her as a parent
• a cool crisp morning... because it reminds me of God's goodness
• PBR (professional bull riding)...because it is the most suspenseful 8 seconds of both mine and the bullriders life
• Dallas Cowboys Football...because the love of my life likes them
• teaching ...  because there is nothing better than seeing a child have an ahhh moment
• to travel...because the world is a big place worth experiencing
• the mouse... happiest place on earth
• my friends... because the chose me to be theirs
• the color green, all shades... because it symbolizes life
• who I am... do you?

Just Me

Me!
Who am I? Do I even really know?
And if so for how long have I known?
Here's what I know:

I was born to Charles and Bren.
I was born in a hospital in Jackson, Tn.
I lived in Hartsville, Tn.
There my best friend was Danyell Locke. I recently got in contact with her.
I mostly stayed with Mama Jane and Papa Bear. Not one person told me when she passed away.

I moved to Kingsport, Tn.
My parents divorced. Before they told me my dad took me to McDonald's for breakfast.

I lived with my mom.
We lived in Rogersville, Tn
I had a bike. I wrecked it and busted my lip.

We moved to Knoxville.
My mom remarried. I didn't like it.
I went to Cedar Bluff Intermediate and Middle School. I wore my mom's jacket and shoes to school and got caught because she came to pick me up early to take me to lunch. Needless to say I got no lunch that day.
I met Lora Wilson in middle school. I loved Mrs. Hammontree's class. English

Through various circumstances I went to live back in Kingsport with my dad.
I went to Dobyns-Bennett.
I kissed my first boy on the corner of Dunbar Street.
I liked school. I loved Mrs. Wiseman's classes. Biology and AP Biology.
I graduated. The first class to graduate on a Saturday morning. June 1, 1991 @10 am.
I had my first offical boyfriend. Paul Preston Sensabaugh. We worked at Kodak Eastman Co together.

I went to Memphis State University. Cause it was far away from home.
I had a roommate. I didn't like her. Like wise she didn't like me.
I met Carlos. I liked Carlos.
I finished both semsters and went to stay with Mama Frances for the summer. I love her. I miss her.
I worked at Woolworth's and Lane Bryant.

I went back to college.
I met Donald Watson, II. I should have married him. I loved him...still do.
They called me Little Three Horn, from the movie Land Before Time.

I left MSU for MTSU.
Found out Preston was a cheat.
Meet Chuck. Rebound relationship only lasted a year.

Worked at Tot's Landing. Meet Gia ... she introduced me to Jeffery.
Moved to Cleveland.
Had Zoey. Best part of my life
Went on a job interview. Meet the Millians Family. and Jan
Jan McKinney didn't like me... until she found out I was going to have a baby. She dreamed of having a little brown skinned baby. I was her ticket to forfill her dream.
Felt apart of her family for a few years until Lauren was born then felt like a third wheel. Kinda of a familar story with my life.
Jan aka Nana was responsible for the biggest changing parts of my life... marriage and coming to accept Christ as my personal Savior.

Got into scrapbooking. Worked at local scrapbook store. Meet my BFF... Mani Schmitz
Bought my first house on Whisperwood Trail. signed on Zoey's birthday.

Divorced.... a single mom.

Rode a wild river, went down a bump road, treaded water, felt like I was drowning...but praise God I came out standing up right and stronger.

So who am I?
I am daughter.
I am His daughter.
I am a child.
I am His Child.
I am loved.
I am ... HIS!

That is who I am.