Deaths.

What comes to mind when you think death?
so many....


naturally you think of a physical death. a person goes on to the afterlife. no longer here on this earth. you usually have a funeral for the living and a graveside service. 
            even though they are phyiscally gone you have the memories of them to comfort you.


i have been blessed not to experience much phyiscal death. a great grandfather, a great grandmother, and grandfather, and grandmother. even though i never wanted them to die there death wasn't to hard for me to accept. 
......but when the news of a fellow classmate, someone i graduated with, dies it hit me in a different way, a sadden way, a disbelief way.  how can this be?
                  how can some one 37 years old die, in his sleep no less, he wasn't old, i am not old. in my eyes he was to young to go, he leaves behind a wife, a son, his parents, a host of friends,                                                                 so much more to see and do on this earth.
a comedian, he was, he had so many more jokes to tell, so many more to make laugh....
it seems unfair. it seems so senseless for God to take a life that was so young.                                  but that is part of His plan. as i type this i hear my dad say "life's not fair!" so now to me life seems a little more precious, a little more urgent to live for God. 

there are other deaths ... death of friendships, death of relationships, death of ____________.(you fill in the blank)
              those deaths leave us empty, sad even more so than a physical death. because you can see the person you know they are out there and it is or could possibly be fixable.                              ..... but some deaths come in order for us to die daily. it all comes back the the Father. it has to.

which leads me to the next death.             a fleshly death.  
                              this death is a daily death.
 dying to the flesh daily.
i tell you from my experience it is so hard to do. for me it is needs to be every minute, shoot every second!                        i to die to self is to live for Him. 
 I affirm, brethren, by boasting in you which I have in Christ Jesus our Lord. I die daily. 
                                                                                                I Corinthinans15:31.
..... i know the world offers so much more immediately but i have to say the more i want is in Him, in his Kingdom. this death is a forever death. forever we have to die daily to live for him. it's hard i know but is so worth it.

today i choose to die daily.
now it won't be easy and i probably wont be able to get it right the first hour but thank  goodness we have a merciful Father. a gracious father is quick to forgive and move us on down the path.
 so i choose to die daily.

June 22, 2007

June 22, 2007 ... Three years ago....the worst day of my life... the best day of my life...

The day Jeff walked out the door.  It was a day I had prayed that would never come. But a day that I prayed for direction for. I prayed for my eyes to open to whether or not I was to stay in my marriage. The Lord is a gentleman and He tried to show me in a gentle way, but the stubborn me said... "nah that is just me or nah it would be more to it if that was it".  SO He showed me BIG, but in the process He showed me how BIG He was. 

Just as this was the worst day it soon became the best day. I was a stay at home mom, working only two days at a parents day out program. Within two weeks I had a full time job that allowed me to be there for Zoey. I thought I was alone but I had a church family and friends that rallyed in my corner and stayed with me and held me together.  I thought I was weak. But there again I was made strong. I saw the power of Jesus in my life. I thought I was drowning but I was being carried thru the water by Him.  It was amazing to see God work in my life. He worked in a mighty way. Leading to the best day of my life. Thru this journey I was able to depend on Him more, to trust more, and still love.

A friend gave me a word that she had been given just for me. This was weeks before Jeff left. She told me I was going to be the anchor in my family.  I had no clue what that meant. She also said I was to show Jeff love.  Well I thought to myself that it meant that I was to love Jeff and that I was going to hold the family together. WRONG!!! The anchor was a symbol ... of how strong and hard I was going to be holding to His hand in the storm and loving Jeff meant now matter what I was to show him love so that Zoey would not learn to hate him only despise his choices. Nightly I explained to Zoey about choices be them good or bad .... doesn't change how you love the person or the person loves us. My words were "Your dad is making bad choices but he still loves you". 

And years later... he is trying to make amends to her... I see how that word is still coming forth.

So three years later... the worst day is still the best day of my life. Thanks to a word and the Word!

me likes...

Me likes:

• frogs...fully rely on God
• sunflowers ...because they are so bright
• sound of giggling...because it makes me smile too
• a cozy couch with a blanket...because its comforting
• mexican food...because ummmm it taste good.
• scrapbooking... because it is a way to preserve the past
• a good comedy movie...because i like to laugh
• watching Zoey excel ... because it lets me know i have not failed her as a parent
• a cool crisp morning... because it reminds me of God's goodness
• PBR (professional bull riding)...because it is the most suspenseful 8 seconds of both mine and the bullriders life
• Dallas Cowboys Football...because the love of my life likes them
• teaching ...  because there is nothing better than seeing a child have an ahhh moment
• to travel...because the world is a big place worth experiencing
• the mouse... happiest place on earth
• my friends... because the chose me to be theirs
• the color green, all shades... because it symbolizes life
• who I am... do you?

Just Me

Me!
Who am I? Do I even really know?
And if so for how long have I known?
Here's what I know:

I was born to Charles and Bren.
I was born in a hospital in Jackson, Tn.
I lived in Hartsville, Tn.
There my best friend was Danyell Locke. I recently got in contact with her.
I mostly stayed with Mama Jane and Papa Bear. Not one person told me when she passed away.

I moved to Kingsport, Tn.
My parents divorced. Before they told me my dad took me to McDonald's for breakfast.

I lived with my mom.
We lived in Rogersville, Tn
I had a bike. I wrecked it and busted my lip.

We moved to Knoxville.
My mom remarried. I didn't like it.
I went to Cedar Bluff Intermediate and Middle School. I wore my mom's jacket and shoes to school and got caught because she came to pick me up early to take me to lunch. Needless to say I got no lunch that day.
I met Lora Wilson in middle school. I loved Mrs. Hammontree's class. English

Through various circumstances I went to live back in Kingsport with my dad.
I went to Dobyns-Bennett.
I kissed my first boy on the corner of Dunbar Street.
I liked school. I loved Mrs. Wiseman's classes. Biology and AP Biology.
I graduated. The first class to graduate on a Saturday morning. June 1, 1991 @10 am.
I had my first offical boyfriend. Paul Preston Sensabaugh. We worked at Kodak Eastman Co together.

I went to Memphis State University. Cause it was far away from home.
I had a roommate. I didn't like her. Like wise she didn't like me.
I met Carlos. I liked Carlos.
I finished both semsters and went to stay with Mama Frances for the summer. I love her. I miss her.
I worked at Woolworth's and Lane Bryant.

I went back to college.
I met Donald Watson, II. I should have married him. I loved him...still do.
They called me Little Three Horn, from the movie Land Before Time.

I left MSU for MTSU.
Found out Preston was a cheat.
Meet Chuck. Rebound relationship only lasted a year.

Worked at Tot's Landing. Meet Gia ... she introduced me to Jeffery.
Moved to Cleveland.
Had Zoey. Best part of my life
Went on a job interview. Meet the Millians Family. and Jan
Jan McKinney didn't like me... until she found out I was going to have a baby. She dreamed of having a little brown skinned baby. I was her ticket to forfill her dream.
Felt apart of her family for a few years until Lauren was born then felt like a third wheel. Kinda of a familar story with my life.
Jan aka Nana was responsible for the biggest changing parts of my life... marriage and coming to accept Christ as my personal Savior.

Got into scrapbooking. Worked at local scrapbook store. Meet my BFF... Mani Schmitz
Bought my first house on Whisperwood Trail. signed on Zoey's birthday.

Divorced.... a single mom.

Rode a wild river, went down a bump road, treaded water, felt like I was drowning...but praise God I came out standing up right and stronger.

So who am I?
I am daughter.
I am His daughter.
I am a child.
I am His Child.
I am loved.
I am ... HIS!

That is who I am.