Yesterday I wished I was dead.and the day before.  Today I wish I were dead. It would make a few sad but sadness doesn't last. Here today forgotten about tomorrow.  I don't have many real friends. And half the time we'll most of the time my daughter hates me. She would be better off without me screwing up her life. My dad would be saddest of all I guess then again he might be glad he doesn't have to pay  anymore money for my dumbass mistakes.  My mom well she would continue to focus on my sisters who she definitely loves more than me. So I would be outta her way yet again this time permanently.  I am tired of being a failure being strong for others used by others. I want something to change.  If I was dead it would all be changed.  Someone would say turn to God. Well I have but things stay the same. He knows what I need  change and he allows me to get right there and then the hammer drops and it's all squashed. And I have to find the strength to go on from the beginning.  It gets harder every time.  And now I honestly don't think I can keep up at this pace. I am wore down to the bone.  I am tired of the fake smile I wear holding back tears making excuses for not wanting to go or be anywhere. No one understands no one cares. I cry out no one hears it falls on deaf ears. Everyone is busy moving on and here I am stuck, stuck in the same place for years. Why is that? I don't have a good answer only pain. I look at my life and it's sucks it's full of mistakes and nothing postive. Every thing has a big but in it. I went to college but...I got married but. ..I try but....I thought I did a good thing but...I tried to make up for this and that but. The buts are too much the consume me especially when I get it thrown up in my face. It's always in My face ...didn't do right by not getting a degree didn't marry right person I am fat I am not a good parent I failed at all of life's roads there isn't anything that is worth of living. Why live when. I know it won't get better. Why go on when it's just gonna be worse? Wish I was a drinker then I could shut the voices off for a while. Just want things to go in my favor. One year would be nice one year of post over with a few negatives!  I just rather be dead. Like I said I won't be missed for long by any. Well until someone needs something then I might get a passing thought.