Weddings....ughhhh

i have not blogged in a long time.
No real reason other than I have been busy and not wanted too. i hardly get on the computer. i spend most of my time on the iPad. It's not easy to blog on iPad.

But i have to get it off my chest... i hate weddings and baby showers. And i seem to be surrounded by them this year. If its not my friends getting married its others on my facebook page posting pic. i am happy for them. i know they deserve to be happy but dang i feel it is a slap in the face.
 yea i know i have said ... i don't want to get married and i still stand by that. but i would like to have the option to change my mind.

i feel that my desires to have someone to love and to love is not important enough for God to fulfill. Why? i don't know. i really wish i did, because not being in a  relationship for almost eight years really sucks.  Alot. A Whole.

i feel i am undesirable. I am unlovable. If God didn't want us to have a earthly love He would not created it. Am i too fat? Am i too ugly? isn't there someone for everyone?

If i hear one more time that he's out there. just give it time. i am gonna scream.
because everyone around me has someone, married or dating. it sucks.

i have mastered being content by myself. and i guess i will have to master it for the rest of my life.
i have tried being optimistic and thinking that he is out there. ihave.  but i am tired,
tired of pretending i am happy for those who have found the right one, especially when i have been left out.

i feel bad zoey will never know what a real relationship looks like. she just knows what i had.
in 29 days i will be forty. and not much has changed this year. even after i declared this was my year for change. i haven't done much change... well i got fat.

should i i try to be optimistic? or except my fate? the lonely cat woman.
i really don't know what to do?
but i know what hasn't changed i still hate weddings and baby showers.